Testimony

I say this not to glorify myself or to please man but because I feel that God is calling me to live an open life and in the hopes that this may prevent some struggles or help some young men.
I got saved at a very early age. God gave me a desire for Him and I remember spending hours in the word. Then I was physically abused as a kid and had to deal with a father, who although he loved me, struggled with anger issues and would sometimes explode on me. I withdrew and determined to trust no one. Combined with my bitterness I have episodes of Narcolepsy that when I am really stressed I will sleep so deeply that I can’t be woken up and I will lose bladder control and sometimes even quit breathing. Because I would not give up my bitterness I would wet the bed.
I also believed several of Satan’s lies, that I was a failure, that nobody loved me, that my dad hated me, that God hated me, and even that I hated me. I believed I was worthless and that I wasn’t worth living. I couldn’t trust anybody. All of this was on my inside, if you asked the people who knew me at that time they would have told you that I was a mischievous, funny kid but that I was never serious. I had so much wrong with me while living the “Christian” life. It kept getting worse though inside. I never wanted to be hurt so I would try to please everyone. It was so miserable that several times I would “run away” and I struggled so much with suicidal thoughts that I thought I was going crazy. I would habitually lie to avoid punishment.
At age 15 I got caught up with lust and the physical aspects. I was very ignorant but I got addicted and could not stop. I was exposed to porn and was caught up in it and would leave it but keep returning to it like the young man void of understanding in Proverbs 7. It was about this time that I started listening to rock music without my parents knowing it.
My parents caught me a couple times on the lust problems and I would lie to them and tell them whatever I could to get them to not be angry with me. I believed another lie of Satan that if they knew what I was really doing that they would never forgive me. I was so wrong. I thought that if my Dad who got angry over little things knew how much I struggled and the depth of my sin that he would kill me or hurt me really bad. I hated myself so much because I would try everything to get free and I couldn’t. I didn’t know how to free myself from my sin because I was keeping secrets.
Satan had me right where he wanted me. Defeated, wanting an end. I went through ALERT Basic training and God broke me and I saw how selfish I was. However, I was kicked out of Basic and I went right back home to my problems. I got deeply into my sins and the depression, suicidal thoughts, and the defeated lifestyle came back. I was so desperate once that I loaded my gun and walked out onto the back pasture to end it all. My dad heard me leave though and being the vigilant guy he is walked out to see what I was doing. I said I thought I had heard something and he thought I was being silly. I also started listening to a rock station on the radio almost all the time.
I went back through Basic and because I was so busy I lived a victorious life. I thought I had it under control. Truly the Idle hands are the devils tools. I did pretty decent in Basic and I came back for ERT. While I was there, some guys who had issues liked to tease and one young man and I were the brunt of the jokes and teasing. I started again on the depression and not surprisingly my nighttime accidents and Narcolepsy returned. The teasing continued and it was just like my dad had been hurting me again. I decided to fight back while also trying to commit suicide again. I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone and I had nothing to lose. I decided to fight back and I trained myself to be a weapon. I pushed my body to it’s limits and then some. I learned ways to kill people with whatever I could find. My anger became a tool to hurt others if it came to it again. Part of pushing myself to limits was that I would see how much pain I could stand. I would cut myself and see how long I could do it, I punched anthracite until my knuckles would bleed and I had to pick the pieces of coal out of my raw knuckles. Once I had to sew up a wound with regular needle and thread. I was doing all this in my own strength, I became the best at whatever I wanted yet still I was a victim to my own lusts. I would run 5 miles a day on my bad knees yet I would not be able to control my own desires.
Out of desperation I tried to get some accountability partners. Yet because I would not tell my dad my secret sins and my struggles, I would fail time and time again. God really humbled me through some incidents. When I thought no one cared, some godly young men came forward and woke me up every night for 15 weeks so I wouldn’t have an accident. They banded together to protect me and the other fellow who was the brunt of all the jokes. They were indeed a friend to the friendless. Some Godly officers took time to see what was happening and spoke out about what was happening. Several families “adopted” me so I could be a part of them.
When I saw the love of others to me, who I saw no good thing in, it broke me, I sought God again. I confessed my sins to God and purposed to live a life anew. My quiet times took on new meanings and I had one every day and I would pray for hours a day. I stayed on at ALERT and served in their ministry yet I still was entrapped in my struggle for lust. I couldn’t get free because I wouldn’t tell my dad and humble myself. I had a proud heart. I still thought I could defeat my problems. I did conquer most of them. I quit my secular music and started listening only to light CCM or vocal music. And even then not for weeks or months at a time would I listen to any music. I buffeted my body, ate one meal a day or less, started a fast a week, committed large passages of scripture to mind and started to disciple people. For a time my struggle with lust took a back burner as I sought God
In a garden you can pull out all the weeds, all the tops but unless you get the roots, the weeds will be back, and worse than b4. Gradually things started going wrong again. I wanted to be freed and I tried to get anyone to be my accountability partner and help me. I even had a girl as one. That was fine until her dad found out. It would have been much easier if I had just forgiven my dad and started trusting him. I started some online relationships with girls that were bad and God gave me the grace to stop it, also at that time God completely broke me of porn. I no longer saw those girls as objects, but that they could have been my sister, my cousin, they were someone’s daughter and that when I looked at them I was the very person I despised!
I repented of my actions and got closer with my parents yet I didn’t tell them everything. I would continue to spend time in God’s word and try to do good works, but they were me trying. God rarely flowed through me. I went on the Journey after I left ALERT. I had 2 goals, to conquer lust and to get closer to God. The very first day some of the previous Journey guys got up and shared about how that sin’s Strength is in it’s secrecy. I didn’t want to tell my dad everything. I didn’t want anyone to know what I was doing. Yet I determined to call him and be honest. I told him how recent my struggles were, and expressed a willingness to tell him anything. I left behind what I was doing wrong and only after I determined to do what was right did God give me the insights. Proverbs 1:23 says Turn ye at my reproof; behold, I will pour my spirit upon you, I will make my words known unto you. It wasn’t until I repented that God really began to move.
Despite God moving in several of our lives we still weren’t reaching the power of one accord. I prayed and something came to mind. I wasn’t sure I should say anything so I committed it to prayer. I later mentioned it to another guy and he too said that God had given him the same thing. I would run almost every morning and that Wednesday morning I had run 4.3 miles in 30 minutes. I was really pumped and I wanted to go again the next morning. Jordan asked me not to because we were going to be fasting the next day, so we decided to pray instead. We prayed for the guys and for God to move and there were times we couldn’t but cry and worship, we prayed for an hour but it felt like 20 minutes.
When the temptation arose, God gave me the grace to flee and I haven’t stopped running. You can’t fight lust, you have to run. God completely will free you from your struggles if you confess your sin and turn from it. I have had to take away the things that influence me towards the world. Honestly on my Journey I thought my music was ok, the movies I watched were ok. I was soo wrong. I heard the guys talking about how God freed them and the destructiveness that had been worked in their own lives. God really spoke to me through other guys and their willingness to confess. I told my dad everything. I saw that parts of my heart were uncircumcised, I had a critical spirit towards some people, and that I had a proud heart. With confession comes freedom. It is so important to be open, and contrite. The Lord loves a humble heart.
I came back and I looked at my music and at my movies with an objective outlook. So much of what I thought was ok and Christian was not God pleasing. Without even touching the rock music subject, it was impossible on many of my songs to tell who they were talking about.. was it God? Or was it their boyfriend? I even had the boldness to witness to strangers. God has been using me as a channel, but only when I look to Him and have removed everything that I put above Him. Also the power of vows; I made a vow to remain pure until marriage and to never look at porn in any form. It has been amazing to be so free! A lot of this testimony is about all that happened before God worked and the problems, yet not very much is about what happened. It’s because it’s not complicated to get right. It takes a little step and a determination to do what is right ALL the time. All it requires is openness and humility.
I am looking forward to see what God will do in my life and in the lives of others around me as I seek Him first. I know it won’t be easy, but then again, the easy things are not the best things. May God bless each of your lives as you seek first the Kingdom of God.