Courtship, what a wonderful cure-all for the single Christian that doesn't want to date or pursue a girl the worldly way. Who doesn't want to be like the Ludy's? A story like theirs, one that seems so special and inspiring, truly is amazing. Courtship can be most inspiring, or most depressing. Courtship, like everything else in life, will not work all the time in all cases. It is highly dependent on the people involved in the courtship. Courtship is not for everyone.
The dangers of courtship starts with the basic mindset that each person has before going into courtship. Too often the young man and young woman have the mindset that their life purpose is to prepare for marriage. I've seen it, we all have seen it. This mindset is very wrong. Our purpose is to be serving God. Marriage is not the Christian's purpose!
If our young people are focused on marriage, almost always a courtship will fail. What is courtship? Courtship was started waaay back in the day when people didn't have guns, and women wore poofy dresses and were always chaperoned and young men were reckless and fought each other for no good reason. You can research it, it was started by the gentry as a way to give their daughters away to the most qualified man. Courtship is never mentioned in the Bible, and it isn't the "bibical" way to find a wife.
One of the facts of courtship is parent involvement. Parent involvement is critical to a successful relationship, especially one that you want to end in marriage. I wish that I had given my parents the room to freely give me their advice. However, courtship when combined with controlling parents or the dangerous heresies of Patriarchal beliefs is bad all around. Contrary to some loud opinions, the father is not the mediator between God and his grown children. If the young people need their father to see God's will, then they have no business trying to get married.
Another problem with courtship is the "perfect" courtship. Hate to break it to ya dads and daughters, but the young man that is interested in your daughter isn't going to be one of Horatio Algers little perfect guys. He will have been exposed to filth, and you better hope that he's been through some trials and that he has had his faith tested. If you expect the future husband to never have noticed girls, or never to have lusted, then better wait for Jesus to come back and wed his bride, the church. Jesus is the only perfect man. I don't expect my future wife to be perfect, and if she says she is, then I'm running fast. I don't want to marry a liar or someone that naive.
In the lines of the perfect courtship is the mindset that the perfect courtship will end in marriage. See, courtship is about finding out if it works, and if the young people are compatible. A successful courtship doesn't always end in marriage. The mindset that courtship is always towards marriage can end with disastrous results. Courtship is not the structured way to fall in love. Courtship is just another man made way to find a wife in a safer manner. If the young people involved allow themselves to blindly fall in love in any relationship, courting, or dating, well I need not to speak of the results.
All in and throughout.. our focus needs to be on God, not man, not a woman. See, God created us with a major hole in our hearts. It is a God shaped hole, but when we, I, or you, try to fill God's hole with someone else, or something else, it's going to end with heartbreak and a bigger hole. God needs to be the focus of our life.
What is the ideal way to find a mate? Dating as we know it.. well not the best idea. Courtship isn't the answer either, but it's better than dating. Is there any certain answer? is there a certain way to find a wife? What about 37 steps to a Godly mate? My friends, there is no certain way. There is no answer found in man, it's kinda like salvation, there is only an answer in God.
There are some things that are needed, of us, for a courtship to not be so dangerous. Wisdom is needed, parental wisdom needs to be included in the relationship. Discretion, forgiveness, many character qualities are needed to have a successful and safe courtship that might end in marriage. Courtship is not the magic blender in which you throw two individuals and end up with a picture perfect marriage!
I'd appreciate any comments, lol I'm human too, and as you can probably tell, I've had some courtship issues. :P
Oh btw, the reason courtships are doomed for failure with controlling parents is because the balancing factor in controlling courtships in the olden days is gone. And the balancing factor is dueling. :D
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Very interesting! If I think of something to add to this later I will do so. :)
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts on this are not completely hammered out yet (long story -- ask sometime if you) but I will say that my commentaries (that agree men have the ultimate say in whether the daughter marries or not) say that the men would do well to allow the marriage if the daughter desires it. The father's role is overblown sometimes in the "courtship model." And it's completely removed in the dating model.
ReplyDeleteI don't think there is a perfect scenario that can be set up to work for everyone.
I totally agree with this, and think that you articulated it very well! What a lot of Christians don't seem to want to look at is the reality that there are dangers to BOTH dating and courting. Very thought provoking...
ReplyDeleteI have a couple things to say in response. I would say you are half totally wrong and half completely right.
ReplyDeleteWrong things first... the purpose of courtship IS marriage, in the sense that the purpose of courtship is to find out whether or not you and the other person are compatible for marriage. OF COURSE your underlying purpose is to serve God. But if marriage is not your purpose have absolutely NO BUSINESS messing around with courtship and breaking some girl's heart. None.
Right things second... Dads absolutely have some totally ridiculous standards when it comes to guys. They expect 20 something year old guys to be as mature as their own 50 something year old selves. This results in their daughters not getting married till they're 30. Which, I suppose, if that's what the girl wants, fine. I don't happen to think that most girls want to wait till they're 30 to get married...
In response to Elisaveth on the purpose.. I should have made it clearer that it was life purpose, not courtship purpose. I will fix that, thanks for pointing it out.
ReplyDeleteI think the only and probably perfect way to finding a spouse is by God's leading. Unfortunately, the parents don't always want what their child wants and won't even give it a chance which usually messes up their child's life. Even tho they say they are open to whatever God wants, if its not what they want they don't think its what God wants.
ReplyDeleteGreat article. :)
I agree with you. I've seen courtship and dating go both ways. I have four older siblings, none of which listened to my parents when considering a spouse, and they have all had their problems. I do believe that so long as you, your potential spouse, and your parents are in God's will, He will and can use whatever means to bring about His will. My older brothers and sister seem to think I'll never "find" the right guy and have the approval of my parents at the same time. I tend to argue with them on this point because I've seen plenty of successful marriages where the parents were involved and everyone is happy. The difference between them and my siblings is that they were in God's will.
ReplyDeleteInteresting!
ReplyDelete