Friends

There are time where you need encouragement and someone to help you. I have one friend who has been a real help recently. And I think she's pretty too :D

The New Occult?

I got asked recently which team I was for.. Not the Red Sox, or OU, or the Rangers, but some wacky Team Jacob or Team Edward. Yes, that was my introduction into Twilight, the world of cult fan fiction. I could talk about the obsession with Twilight alone, but I'd probably barf cantaloupe chunks all over my laptop. I wish it was just something new and horrific that the older folks could shake their heads at in shock; but, it really is just a sick manifestation of mistaken hero worship.
Mistaken hero worship has been around for a long time, my granddad used to talk about the stars of the airwaves, the Shadow, The Lone Ranger with his faithful steed and trustworthy sidekick, then my dad's heroes, Tarzan and Jane, John Carson of Mars, and Batman.
We long for heroes who are human, yet not human, people who have abilities to take horrid situations and change them miraculously better for all. Superheroes with almost supernatural powers... we long to be like them, heck, I wanted to be Wolverine from X-Men, Spiderman, wished I could fly, but that was when I was a child of 10. Besides, claws that come out... still cool.
But recently there has been a surge, not just in the world, but among Christians, and it's a little disturbing. Instead of Batman being every girl's heart desire, it's a vampire, a werewolf, something supernatural, that reeks of evil. In the last 3-5 years there has been an outbreak of movies and tv shows portraying vampires and creatures of mythology as normal and good.
The Gates-portrays vampires and werewolves, succubi and witches as misunderstood, people just trying to be good.
True Blood, pretty much twilight tv show, girl with lame life falls in love with a vampire and a dog shifter, lots of sex and violence.
Twilight-barf. but a girl who is a snotty nosed rebellious brat gets in a love triangle with a werewolf and a vampire. Lame on the violence.
Vampire diaries-girl gets in incest triangle.
And lots of Anime vampires.
Why this sudden fascination with the supernatural? I understand longing for the ability to change things, whether it's super strength, being immortal, bullet proof, and looking really good too, but what's disturbing is that we are looking to demonic characters for our heroes.
Just take a look at vampires.. they feed on human life.. come on! Don't be a retard and say it's ok.

Do you really want to change people's lives? To be a real hero? To have powers reserved for demigods?
Trust in God and let him use you.
Samson, killed a thousand with a asses jaw. David's Mighty Men killed Giants and Lions, Judges, where mere men were possessed with God's might power and wiped out hundreds of better armed men. The Apostles who brought back dead people and healed people.
You want real power? Get off your lazy rear and do something for God.
Sheesh! Don't make me spew cantaloupe chunks.

Blackwater Diving Part 2

Well, ok, so last time, I was 35 feet down with no sense of direction and a slightly panicked dive buddy. Honestly, I wasn't feeling so hot either. Well, no sense of direction, the problem is that we were really screwed up.

I also said it was about our Christian walk when you really can't see how to look up, when your light is bright, but it doesn't help either.

Well when we were there, with almost no options, we resorted to one of the fundamentals. We let some air out. The air bubbles floated up. It was one of those things where you are so happy to see a simple thing.

Well we just followed the bubbles. :D the solution to a hard problem was a simple answer.

That's the way it is with our Christian walk. We are surrounded with complicated problems. Christians doing evil things, compromising their faith for the pleasures of a minute. I've even done it. And that's when we have and need a simple answer. We need to love Jesus once again.
We need to let Him lead our walk. We can't seek His will through extra doctrines and extra rules and judgement on those who fail.
We have to walk the simple path of love, and the Bible. If we are faithful, He will be faithful too.

Blackwater diving.Part One.

Blackwater diving is perhaps the second most dangerous diving, the first being cave diving, but then again, as my instructor said, only crazy people dive caves.
Blackwater diving is diving in perfectly black water. It is so dark that when you put your hand in front of your face you can't see your hand. Even if your hand is on your face, you still cannot see the difference. Yet when you turn on your flashlight, it extends into the distance like a laser beam. This phenomenon naturally occurs when there is an excess of debris is the first strata of water. the debris catches the light and completely blocks it. the lower strata are completely light and debris free.


When I went on my Blackwater dive with my dive buddy Jon, our Dive master who gave us our dive buoy so no matter where we went, we would always have that line showing us which way was up. As we descended below 35 feet it got so black, it was disorientating.
We started our search for stolen cars, but, as we proceeded, Jon, hit me on the arm, and pointed to our back.
I shined my dive light and I see our buoy floating right behind us, shrunken with pressure. We had no way up... We had lost our sense of direction.

That's the feeling I have now. That there is so much blackness that the little light I shine just seems to disappear. The things that I would look to direction, the exterior things, they aren't not working. People I know and respect are doing things they once clearly knew to be wrong once.
It's not just anybody, it's people who I respect, who I like. I've been through two deaths this summer, and it's shaken my world. One because it was my first granddad, and the other one, was it was a boy who I could have saved after he drowned.. but I wasn't able to.
Life will always have those moments, when you get bewildered, lost, disorientated with where you are. You can't even guess which way is up.


Part 2 coming soon, you will see the conclusion to both my diving story, and what I feel God is leading me to when disorientated. :D

Christian Mediocrity

"So today I did _______,” said my friend.

"Wow... so can I ask a really hard question? How did you, as a Christian, get past the 'Thou shalt not _______' part? I'm not judging you, just asking."

"Well, I thought about it for a really long time, and we don't really know what the original Hebrew words meant."

I didn't really know what to say at this point. This wasn't just a random question. Over the past year as I went to college and was more exposed to other people's lives I saw many things happen in others lives that were direct contradictions to the teachings of God's word. I have done some of those things.

No, I'm not talking about murder or highway robbery, but things we all think are ok.

I've been with a group of Christians who were having fun but always joking about sex. Some of them wouldn't joke about it, but just make sexual comments. I had a discussion with one girl that was adamant that cheating in college was ok because she needed to get through just a couple of hard courses. Incidentally, they were hard because instead of learning them in high school she cheated her way through them. I've seen guys and girls jump in and out of relationships. They justify sex before marriage, defrauding each other, and doing many actions that seem contrary to God's purpose.

Their reasons are interesting. I hear, and I have said, “My actions don't hurt anyone. It's not clear in the Bible. It never says don't do this specific action. It was only a joke.”

What does the Bible say about this?

1) As my friend said, the Hebrew words might mean something else.

In Mathew 5:18 Jesus says, "For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled."

Furthermore John writes in 1 John, 1:1-3, "That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked upon, and our hands have handled, of the Word of life; (For the life was manifested, and we have seen it, and bear witness, and shew unto you that eternal life, which was with the Father, and was manifested unto us;) That which we have seen and heard declare we unto you, that ye also may have fellowship with us: and truly our fellowship is with the Father, and with his Son Jesus Christ."

2 Peter 1:16 says, “For we have not followed cunningly devised fables, when we made known unto you the power and coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, but were eyewitnesses of his majesty."

Jesus himself says in John 10:34-35 "Is it not written in your law, I said, Ye are gods? If he called them gods, unto whom the word of God came, and the scripture cannot be broken?”

There are so many more verses where God says the Bible is his word and it is accurate. God did not make these rules to be broken or to have an excuse to break us, but to show us our need for him. We claim grace for our sins, and we disbelieve anything that says we are wrong. I've made the excuse, "They just don't understand."

God does understand, and every action we do against his law is a slap in his face and of his son who died for us. Did God indeed give us grace so we could sin more?

I am tired of my mediocrity, and I am disgusted by yours. I am ashamed by my actions, and heartbroken at yours. I see brothers and sisters, who once were so bold for Christ, choose the pleasures of this world and carelessly spit on a sacrifice so hard won.

In addition, lest you or I claim that the Bible is not accurate, Jesus said that if we break one of the least of these commandments and proclaim it to be the truth, we are the least in the Kingdom of Heaven.

2.) We say our actions hurt no one. That our time is our own; how can it be so bad if it feels so right?

Paul says our lives are not our own, we have been bought at a price, we are slaves to righteousness, We are athletes in the games. We don't have time for the luxuries and pleasures of this world. We need to buffet our bodies so we may win this prize. The church's actions, my inaction... they make me want to throw up.

We don't have time to do things that don't benefit people. Have you not read the word that our every action will be called into account? Not only will we be judged for what we did do, but we will be judged for our inaction.

3.) It was only a joke... yeah, that's one of my biggest weaknesses. If you know me... I tell major jokes. I have pulled off some noteworthy pranks. I convinced two girls that I cut off my own foot to get out of an accident once. It sure was funny!

I have to carefully look at this.. it's clear that the man who says he was only in jest after hurting people is a terrible hindrance. This does fall under every action being accountable.

I know when somebody accidentally makes a sexual reference... it's funny as all get out, but when we do it intentionally... forget WWJD, how about what would your mother do? She'd slap me so fast that even my superior instincts wouldn't see it.

We live a life of mediocrity. Whatever happened to living a life dedicated to God? We are supposed to pursue God and we pursue the world. When was the last time we even took time to look at our lifestyle from a third person point of view? Or even from God's viewpoint?

My lifestyle has saddened me much over the last 6 months. I'm sure God feels even worse about it. To me... God isn't my sugar daddy... he's someone real, someone to be feared and respected.

We care only for ourselves.

Ben's Bedtime story

Once upon a time, there lived this man. he was a normal man, in a normal time with a normal family and a normal home and a normal farm and a normal dog with the normal cat. The man would get up at the normal time and go eat his normal food and go out and work. And that's where the normal ended. This man was different, he would go out and work until the job was done. See, that wasn't normal, because it was what was needed, not what was the norm. He was single, see his beautiful wife and his beloved daughter had died off in the last plague. It was a blessing in disguise for his land was ruled by an evil oppressor who had no respect for life or families. It was an evil time. The normal man, Bob, had one comfort, his neighbors, the sluckian family. They also had a daughter, Susie, who had been his daughter's play mate.
One day the evil bands of lawless oppressor (the pepians) were roaming the land and they decided to take not only the crops of the normal families but they decided to take the beautiful daughter of the normal man's neighbor. The evil band of five rode in and stole the daughter and killed the entire sluckian family when they resisted.
When Bob saw the sluckian farm burning, he knew what had happened. He started running to cut the invaders off, armed only with his pitchfork. He ran as hard as he could and he made it to the intersection before the raiders did. he took off his shirt, revealing his muscled torso holding the shirt in one hand, the pitchfork in the other. He hid in the ditch and waited for them.. as the lead one approached, his horse running full speed, he flapped his shirt, spooking the horse... and throwing the rider to the ground. He jumped out and thrust the pitchfork into the second rider's neck causing instant painful death. He then broke the handle off creating a spike, that he slammed into the fallen riders body, pinning him like a beetle. he then pulled out the fallen rider's sword and slashed the belly of the third horse and then hacking his riders head off with the back stroke as the rider fell. the fourth horse spooked at the sight of blood and backed into the fifth rider causing susie to get knocked to the ground. The fourth rider tried to clear his sword but Bob rammed the sword into his gut, then swung up using the sword as an axis to jump onto the last living evil pepian. They both fell to the ground and they wrestled around until at last Bob choked the last one to death. Susie ran up to the blood covered Bob and held on to dear life crying incoherently. Give the poor girl a break, her whole family was wiped out.

The next day he called a meeting together of his people. They debated for a while then at last they said.. we must go and fight the pepians, we must let them know our women are not their playthings!
Bob and the men marched out to battle with the evil pepians.
They met them in the valley of the dirty snow. There Bob's people were afraid.. there were 500 pepians to their 25 farmers! and Bob had the only swords. Bob, the normal man.. was in a position. Would he do the normal thing.. and flee with his fellow normal people? or would he get the job done?

The normal people did what normal people do when faced with extraordinary situations. They fled! Well, one left.. Bob. Bob stood there sword in hand. The pepians stood there and laughed at the one man with a sword. Then they charged. When at last the dust settled and the blood stopped flowing one man stood. But he did not stand alone.. he had God standing with him. God wants the normal man to do extraordinary things so that God can do supernatural things through him. Bob? he had the sword stuck to his hand.. but he still stood.
11 Sam 23:10

knotted

You stand there, all tied up with knots, you stand there hopeless, saying that you don't know what to say or to start, your whole life is knotted up with horrible knots.. and you want to reach for the scissors and end the string of events. You think the scissors are good for you and you push me away when you need a friend the most. I'm not offering a quick fix, or that it will get better soon, but I am willing to sit down and help you untie each knot. For as you look close at my hands.. you see each of my fingers is calloused and bruised from untying knots in my life.. you never know of who helps you with the knots in life... I never did.

Just another day on the farm,

Farm life always starts too early, no matter, if you went to bed at 3 in the morning, or 11 at night. This morning the sunshine came up way too early. But it has it's bright spots, there are the puppies, one of them charged and barked. it's kinda cute. We have a new calf, it's pure black and already it's ancy and jumping around. I'm applying for several more jobs, calling KSA up today and faxing in an application. It's still hard getting over the events of the weekend, I guess I will always blame myself. I'm the guy who is always prepared.. and I wasn't prepared enough. At least I have you, who helps me through the pain.

Parents Can lose the Right to be Respected and Honored.

Let me start this post off by clarifying. This post is just stating an exception. I am stating that there is an exception that I hope is rare.

In the Torah, the Pentateuch specifically, there are crimes that would result in death of the offender, sodomy, adultery, murder, trying to kill someone, etc. According to that, if a parent did any of those things, especially to his kids, he lost the right to live, which included the right to be a parent.
Now that I have established that biblical fact, we have the issue of today, where people can do those offenses and get away with it. My personal belief is that if a person does that, they still deserve to lose the right to life.
If a parent has done any of those things, in my chain of logic, they have lost the right to respect and honor.
Debate it if you want, it's clear to me.

Life and Death

What is the difference between life and death?
Is it really a river depicted in Pilgrims Progress? Is it the light at the end of the tunnel? Life is full of meaning for everyone. Family, friends, loved ones, maybe a wife or husband... simple little things like a hug that can turn your day around. Death? It is described as evil, dark, it snatches and steals and takes. Life is beautiful, Death is ugly. When you combine life with death you have life after death.. but that is a topic for another time. What is the difference between life and death?
Death is despair, life is joyous...
The difference between life and death is 5.6 lbs.

My Deal with the Devil

As the years go by, people keep asking me one question. "What is your secret to success? How do you end up getting everything you desire?
I say this and that, every day it is something different. My real secret is one that few would accept. I made a deal with the devil.
It was a sweet deal. I got everything I ever wanted
I got all the money I ever wanted, I made a killing in real estate. The girl that broke my heart.. well she came back begging to be mine and I crushed her heart. I had the pick of any girl I ever wanted! It was really a sweet deal. I got the best cars and motorcycles, I had immunity in life. Everything went my way! lol, you gotta ask what I signed over to get everything I ever wanted. No, I didn't sign my soul over to the devil. I was "saved" a long time ago.
What did I sign over? I just quit reading my Bible, quit praying, didn't go to church, did some mean things from time to time, was selfish, did what felt right... the list goes on. I just put me first. It's been an awesome life! But you know what the sweetest part is? Knowing that all you suckers out there are doing what I got a great deal on.. doing the same exact things and you are doing it for free! What chumps.







"This is pure fiction. well it has a moral to it."
Ben

The Dangers of Courtship

Courtship, what a wonderful cure-all for the single Christian that doesn't want to date or pursue a girl the worldly way. Who doesn't want to be like the Ludy's? A story like theirs, one that seems so special and inspiring, truly is amazing. Courtship can be most inspiring, or most depressing. Courtship, like everything else in life, will not work all the time in all cases. It is highly dependent on the people involved in the courtship. Courtship is not for everyone.

The dangers of courtship starts with the basic mindset that each person has before going into courtship. Too often the young man and young woman have the mindset that their life purpose is to prepare for marriage. I've seen it, we all have seen it. This mindset is very wrong. Our purpose is to be serving God. Marriage is not the Christian's purpose!

If our young people are focused on marriage, almost always a courtship will fail. What is courtship? Courtship was started waaay back in the day when people didn't have guns, and women wore poofy dresses and were always chaperoned and young men were reckless and fought each other for no good reason. You can research it, it was started by the gentry as a way to give their daughters away to the most qualified man. Courtship is never mentioned in the Bible, and it isn't the "bibical" way to find a wife.

One of the facts of courtship is parent involvement. Parent involvement is critical to a successful relationship, especially one that you want to end in marriage. I wish that I had given my parents the room to freely give me their advice. However, courtship when combined with controlling parents or the dangerous heresies of Patriarchal beliefs is bad all around. Contrary to some loud opinions, the father is not the mediator between God and his grown children. If the young people need their father to see God's will, then they have no business trying to get married.

Another problem with courtship is the "perfect" courtship. Hate to break it to ya dads and daughters, but the young man that is interested in your daughter isn't going to be one of Horatio Algers little perfect guys. He will have been exposed to filth, and you better hope that he's been through some trials and that he has had his faith tested. If you expect the future husband to never have noticed girls, or never to have lusted, then better wait for Jesus to come back and wed his bride, the church. Jesus is the only perfect man. I don't expect my future wife to be perfect, and if she says she is, then I'm running fast. I don't want to marry a liar or someone that naive.
In the lines of the perfect courtship is the mindset that the perfect courtship will end in marriage. See, courtship is about finding out if it works, and if the young people are compatible. A successful courtship doesn't always end in marriage. The mindset that courtship is always towards marriage can end with disastrous results. Courtship is not the structured way to fall in love. Courtship is just another man made way to find a wife in a safer manner. If the young people involved allow themselves to blindly fall in love in any relationship, courting, or dating, well I need not to speak of the results.

All in and throughout.. our focus needs to be on God, not man, not a woman. See, God created us with a major hole in our hearts. It is a God shaped hole, but when we, I, or you, try to fill God's hole with someone else, or something else, it's going to end with heartbreak and a bigger hole. God needs to be the focus of our life.

What is the ideal way to find a mate? Dating as we know it.. well not the best idea. Courtship isn't the answer either, but it's better than dating. Is there any certain answer? is there a certain way to find a wife? What about 37 steps to a Godly mate? My friends, there is no certain way. There is no answer found in man, it's kinda like salvation, there is only an answer in God.

There are some things that are needed, of us, for a courtship to not be so dangerous. Wisdom is needed, parental wisdom needs to be included in the relationship. Discretion, forgiveness, many character qualities are needed to have a successful and safe courtship that might end in marriage. Courtship is not the magic blender in which you throw two individuals and end up with a picture perfect marriage!

I'd appreciate any comments, lol I'm human too, and as you can probably tell, I've had some courtship issues. :P

Oh btw, the reason courtships are doomed for failure with controlling parents is because the balancing factor in controlling courtships in the olden days is gone. And the balancing factor is dueling. :D

My audience with the Captain

I walk into the massive warmly lit hall. I walk past the many faithful in their armor so bright and shining. I see His elect garbed in their best, each wearing their medals. Yet among the elect and those I respect I see the glares and the hateful glances from those who claim to serve Him and I stride on anyways, wearing my battered and stained armor as I would the brightest medals I have been given by my Captain.
I stand at attention before my Captain as He addresses me.
"Why do you act the way you do? Why are you rebellious and bitter?"

The whole court gathers, both the elect and the hypocrites; the elect do not judge, but I can feel the condemning stares of the self righteous. I do not give an answer, I just act. I strip off my battle-worn armor standing naked to the waist.

"My Captain, how many scars are on my chest from YOUR enemies? I have fought FOR YOU, and I have fought hard with what I have, and I've never given up."

He waits in silence as I continue, bitterness and anger flowing from my lips. I turn around showing my back to all. My back is covered in scars, some of the wounds are fresh, some are swollen and red, inflamed with infection. My back looks as if I was whipped and cut and abused. One of the elect, one who I admire, asks the question that I need.

"Where did you get these?"

I look at my Captain and speak with vehemence. "When I was fighting for YOU, YOUR servants, those who claim YOUR name did this to me. They have hurt me with their words, with their actions, and with the things they did not do. Then after they wounded me, they left me on the field with only my foes." I say with regret.. "and I've been losing Your battles."

He speaks, not judging me, or condemning my one time friends, but asking me a simple question. "Have I ever forsaken you? Have I wounded you?"

I stand abashed as He continues, "My son, I did not call you here to condemn or to judge, but to heal. Do you want My touch?"

Ashamed, I nod my head, too abashed to answer. "You must let go of all your pain, your bitterness, and your anger."

I don't want to let go, it's all I have to hold onto sometimes. But I realize that my bitterness really makes it hard for me to be with the elect. I do want to let go.. my wounds, my scars they hinder me and they hurt every time I move. I didn't have to say anything, for He knew my thoughts.
With one touch He healed me of my pain. I heard one of the elect gasp. I turned and something felt free. I twisted and turned and I knew, my mat of scars was gone. But a sharp spasm sent me to my knees.

"Do you want me to heal this too?" His very touch sent a rack of pain through my back.

"But Lord, this was from Her! I loved her so much, I didn't do wrong to her, I just wasn't good enough. I loved her anyways. I didn't speak evil of her, but her parents who claimed YOUR name hurt me so much, then the girl that I wanted to be by my side as I followed You. But she turned on me and turned some things into deep pain. The wound that YOUR so called servants dealt me.. it's festered and I can't move without pain. Lord, I need to let go, although I know it's time I need to let go and move on. This hurts me so much but I want YOUR healing."

With one touch not only did the swelling go away but I could feel all the infection disappear. I twisted and most of the pain was gone, but I could still feel the scar. I knew that some wounds are always there, and the scar is not there to provoke bitterness but as a reminder to do things differently.

Then last of all, He looked into my eyes and spoke. "What others have done to you was not in my name, for you know that I will always love you, for you are mine! Do not worry about what the hypocrites do or say for you know that their path is not Mine and they will reap what they have sown. You are mine."

The Limits of Modern Christianity.

when I wrote this draft, I had gotten this lengthy letter about how Calvinism is wrong about predestination. I personally didn't even read it. Why? Because the letter wasn't about what God says.. it was a reaction to a belief. I don't care whether you believe that God has predestined some to hell, or if you believe you can lose your salvation.
During the last couple years as I have mingled with other Christians I've noticed the trend towards doctrinal division. Yes, it's very important to have beliefs and to have standards, but what is alarming and so wrong about this trend is the way it is influenced by our very human nature.
Why did this one person respond so vehemently against predestination? Why is losing your salvation upheld so strongly? Why do we as Christians take our interpretations of scriptures that has puzzled far wiser and Godlier Christians and shout that our view is correct? We may even shun those who dare to believe differently. But why do we behave this way?
My opinion, and I ask each of you to search your heart for the reason for the strivings among us, is that we are reacting with our human nature to things we hope that couldn't be true.
When confronted with a God that could condemn people to hell and not even give them a chance, we claim, that's not God, My God is fair. Predestination has to be wrong. We search the scriptures to back our views up because we small-mindedly believe we have a small God who can't be so unfair as to choose some over others.
We say that God doesn't do miracles today, because we don't see it today and because it doesn't match up with what we see. Our faith is defined by what we see.
We say that people can lose their salvation, because we cannot comprehend a God who could be so merciful and so loving to never let us go when we spit in His holy face and mock Him. Why? Because our human nature has once again put God into a box shaped by human hands. Our faith is not a Can-Do faith, it's a faith of Can't. The reason we don't fully understand and live for God is because we gave up and we limited God before we even started!
My God not only did all those miracles in the Bible, he's capable of doing it today. He condemned without second thoughts mass genocide because they disgusted him. His Holiness is so powerful and so righteous that anything He does is right. He chooses what He will do despite what we as frail humans say He does.
My God is so deep that I will never say what He can't do.. or what I cannot do through Him.
I believe that my God is so multifaceted that I will never be able to fully explain Him, and that someone else standing next to me can get a different view of Him.
What matters the most is not my fellow brothers doctrine, but that he loves God, that he lives for God. All that matters is Jesus. Let us see what we can do, not what others can't.

Sisyphus

Straining every moral fibre
for to rest is to slip
a slip is a fall-a failure
around my tired frame fallen brothers
ones left behind in their Sisyphean
challenge to fail alone emboldened
by fear I press on
Straining
Striving
Failing

Everyday I am the same
Will I ever change or
will I stay this way
another Sisyphus pushing uphill

Exhausted I strain bleeding
for each forward step I take
this burden I push growing
heavier each moment-others
stop to help-or so saying
they state encouragement or
help push a little then moving
uphill I go faster-often my
brothers 'side me climbing
on my burden casting
adding
hating
Judging

Everyday I am the same
Will I ever change or
will I stay this way
another Sisyphus pushing uphill

I push on-giving my all
stubbornly, angrily, frustrated
wanting to give up why is this
so hard-jaded-I believe my fate
not realizing my problem all
along is me finally I acknowledge
the need for His help not for
more strength but for Him to
take this burden away
Asking
Begging
Pleading

Everyday I am the same
Will I ever change or
will I stay this way
another Sisyphus pushing uphill

Stopping-gasping for air wondering
where He is-seeing Him where
He has been all this time-here
falling to my knees-almost crushed
by this mammoth burden crying out not
for strength but for deliverance
He reaches out with one hand-grasping
my burden so effortlessly-His other
hand-so strong-so gentle-lifting
me from my battered knees-at
His touch my burden shrinks
to nothing-wiping away my blood
tears and sweat then leading
me up the hill we go
Resting
Following
Trusting

Everyday I am the same
I am changed I am in His
way casting all cares on Him
running uphill-Sisyphus no longer

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A knight in sullied armor

My mom really dislikes that I refer to myself sometimes as a sullied knight. I've called myself a knight in sullied armor. This may strike may people a little wird, but what I am saying is a reflection of how I believe we should live.I am not a knight in shining armor. I do not have the time to sit and polish and buff my armor. My armor is dented and stained. It has many holes in it, it has entrenched sweat stains, and it has a few blood stains and splatters of weird and mysterious origins. My armor is sullied, it is stained. I have some stains on my body too, a few scars both on my body and I believe on my soul. My sword is not perfect, nor is it shined and polished, it has some deep nicks and scratched in the blade, yet my blade is sharp and the stains it has on it are the stains of enemies, not my friends or companions.
Why is my armor so stained and dirty? Why do I wear sullied armor when all seek the knight in shining armor? I am battle ready, I train for the fight, I live for the day of battle because it is when you say you are done, when you turn to relax, it is then that your fow strikes. I do not battle with flesh that will give in or compromise, I battle with unseen foes that want to steal all that I hold dear. I have fought many times and lost many times, yet the more I fight, the better I get, for I fight under a Captain who is faithful and who has my back. Without him I would be dead. So I am a knight in sullied armor. I will continue ti fight and may my armor be soon covered with fresh stains nobly earned in the service of my Captain.
Do not see my armor and turn away as if it is a mark of disgrace, for I wear it as a trophy for it is earned in the service of my Captain.
Is your armor stained?

"How to Tell a True War Story"

I hate English.. reading all these feminist crap stories and always getting picked on for having some standards of right and wrong. Today we read and kinda discussed "How to Tell a True War Story."
Here's some of the dialogue and my thoughts on it.

"I thought that this story is indicative of the pain that people go through and how they can't tell it (girl #1)."---- That's because you wouldn't be able to understand it, you can't understand unless you have been through it.

"(girl 2 reads part of the story) I think this is so cruel what they did to the water buffalo.. wonder why they have so much trouble dealing with it." - That's because it's traumatic...

I reread part of the story. The narrator keeps repeating his horrid memory of his friend stepping out onto sunshine that lifts him into the tree. Over and over again the author rehashes how he saw his friend explode. The class babbles on about how the guy feels this and that.. but they don't know. They can't know. Something just sticks with you about these horrid memories, these flashbacks, they are like unpleasant ghosts. They happened.. but they are still around.. and they haunt you for the rest of your life. Maybe the class is right though.. maybe it's time to talk about it and get it out. Maybe it will help.

The moon was four fingers above the horizon, but I still had no sense of the time or how much farther we had left. I was tired.. and in the rear with my squad. People keep gapping and it's frustrating. Needham won't shut up neither will Kocher.. Good gosh.. won't they shut up! one foot in front of the other, step after step.
we are hiking on a road now.. the rocky trails hurt my feet and caused many of us to give up. They will hate themselves for dropping out. Butler, Grengs.. the names go on about those who quit that night. But there were others who didn't quit.. The van pulled up to pick up one of the quitters, and someone boiled out.
"Get back in the van!"
"Sir, this recruit is hiking!" I can hear the pain in Clarks voice.. He's got bad knees. yet he hikes on. He's a former marine.. that guy has got guts.
He hikes on for 15 or so minutes then he gasps for help.. I grab his right arm.. Sweatnam gets his other arm. one foot in front of the other, step after step.
Clark starts screaming.. these deep animal screams. Sandypants and Sweatnam keep trading out and I keep on.
Clark is hurting so bad.. I cry to hear it.
one foot in front of the other, step after step. Eventually they take Clark away from us and we finish the hike.
Sunday morning, Clark got up and thanked the guys who helped him.. but he forgot me, I hadn't said anything.. later I mentioned it to Sandy.. and he accused me of lying..
I still hear the screams though. I see Clark.. and I cry for the pain. I don't know why.. but it's still there. It hurts..

?

I stand, helmet on the ground, tired, exhausted, I've been losing the daily battles. All my armor is on the ground, I'm battered, bruised, and my weapons seem useless. I've fought and been victorious before, why am I so helpless to this monster now? No matter what I do, the monster within seems to destroy me. Some Knight I am.. I can't even kill a dragon within. The dragon within is slowly destroying my walk.. I can't help others, I can't love, I have to feed the dragon. I've tried starving it, and it only returns with a stronger appetite and I can do nothing to stop him.. or so it seems. Where was my victories? my confidence, I've beaten this dragon before. Once again I pick up my armor, put it on, sharpen my sword and jump into the fray. I've forgotten to release my shroud of guilt and self loathing though, soon the dragon has me at his mercy. I stumble seeking help from everyone but those willing to help. Finally I cry out, to the One who has given me my previous victory.. God I don't want to be the monster I am, I don't want to be under this Dragon, and slowly I gain my strength, Now's the time.. Do I get help from other dragon slayers? Or do I try to beat it on my own? I seek out aid, I find the right help, and I fight back to back. Is the dragon dead? No.. this dragon is more than mere flesh and blood, but I am no longer flat on my back...

Still putting my armor on and sharpening my sword..

Spain day 23

This is my last Sunday here, Although they sing and pray in a different language here, I see a passion and I can sense the Holy Spirit in a way that I've only felt once before in a church. Church here is very different, It's not so much a social duty or activity as it is a lifestyle. You can't get them out of Church. They love to fellowship and worship almost nonstop here. Church isn't Sunday and Wednesday, it's all week. Monday you have Mens meetings, Tuesday Womens, or vice versus. Wednesday the teenagers, Thursday my age group, Friday is cell groups with families, and Saturday they evangelize. There is such a difference here and there are so few of them, yet they are dauntless. What I see convicted me.. I have 24 hours in a day, same as anyone, yet what do I do with it? Do I uplift? Do I tear down? Do I focus on God? Or is it all about me? What I am doing with my time isn't enough. The people here are on the front lines, surrounded by demonism, immorality, and perversion, and they stand boldly for Christ.
They need money, support, the economy is in a crises here, and I've not heard one complaint.. only how Jesus is using it and how blessed they are despite the times.
They see the need around them and they are trying despite their lack of numbers. Barcelona is one of the Gateways to Europe. What a opportunity...

Day 22

Today I went with Uncle Mike into a little town that had a natural spring flowing out of a rock. We filled up water bottles. Next we went through the town. It was all buildings still inhabited, but they were 12th century. I walked through there and took pictures. One of the vived memories was rounding a stone house and comon upon a entrance where fresh Laundry was airing. The dark pants and red blouse were against a background of gray stone and faded red roof slates all wafted with the hint of lavender. Wickedly awesome. then we drove to a nearby mountain.. well bluffs on a mountain. We are in the mountains. I got to freeclimb about 20 feet.. oh gosh I thought I was going to die.. at one point I was over 200 feet of air and my foot slipped off as the rocks broke free. I had my arms under me though and so I was just dangling.. what made it hard was the bluff was sandstone which the wind had cut back to rocks so you had to be careful which rocks you grabbed.. :D ...I got some really cool videos though.. Well I had to leave and I decided to beat my time up the bluff by going down.. I beat it by a good 5 minutes. No I didn't jump.. I had just taken the really long path up the bluff and missed the shortcut. Then we talked about the importance of living a life for Christ and being a witness and a missionary to all people. Each of those little towns have about 500 people to 1000... in this one disctrict alone there are thousands of villages just like this. They all have a church.. and they all are empty of souls. Who will go? Who is ready? Truly the fields are white for harvest.. and where are the workers? Sitting on their megasize rears watching movies and playing Halo....
let us reap before the rain comes.